We have three year old twin boys and an almost 2 year old baby boy. My husband and I are currently residing in the epicenter of “Toddler Town.” You know the place. It’s cozy but prone to raging storms. It sometimes rains hellfire but also has plenty of rainbows and sunshine. Yep. We’re in it. For over three years we have navigated our way through a sea of tears and boogers. Together, we have learned to negotiate the most volatile toddler stand-offs. We have decoded the language of hysterical, sobbing, screaming toddlers.
Knowing how to handle times of extreme emotion in your child in an effective and loving way is crucial. But this post isn’t about handling meltdowns. It’s about avoiding them when you can. It’s about “choosing your battles”, so to speak.
I’m going to share with you 3 “battles” we chose to stop engaging in.
The Food Fight: This one will be the longest because I know a lot of people struggle with it. I know the frustration. I know how maddening it is to make a meal for everyone only to end up eating alone. I know how crazy it makes me feel to make something I know my children enjoy only to be met with snubbed noses and righteous indignation. A few years ago I decided to seek advice on my social media, as many do, on how to get my children to eat their meals. (Mind you this was way before my personal parenting awakening) The answers I received met the criteria for my question. The answers were tactics to “make” my children eat. I was told, “Just make them sit at the table until they’re done. Sometimes my kid stays there for an hour or more but he always ends up eating it at the end. ” or “If they don’t eat dinner just save it and make them eat it for breakfast while everyone else has pancakes. ” Even though parents said these tactics “work”, I was never comfortable with it. I didn’t realize my question was wrong and my approach to food was even more wrong. I don’t believe my job as a parent is to make my children eat. It’s to encourage them to feed their bodies the right quality and amount of food it needs. Children understand their bodies more than we give them credit for. They know when they’re hungry. Just because I make dinner at 6 doesn’t mean they’re hungry at 6. Just because I served them green beans and mashed potatoes doesn’t mean they want both or need both. When we decided to stop making an issue of meal times it stopped being an issue. I trust my children to listen to their bodies and react accordingly. I let them choose what they want to eat. When we started this approach there was a period of transition where they wanted to eat only the food we had stigmatized- The junk food. But recently we have seen that children are able to self-regulate. My boys spent days eating all the junk food in the house. As the days passed we watched them begin to choose healthier foods. I know what some people are thinking. “If I let my kid eat whatever they want then she would only eat junk food.” Yeah, she probably will. For a while. But if you don’t want your child eating junk food. Don’t buy it. We have an open-pantry policy. If it’s in the house, you can eat it. Asher was the first of the twins to start self-regulating. Today,for example, he chose strawberries for a snack while his brother chose a pop-tart. He often chooses broccoli over pasta and cooked chicken over processed chicken nuggets. Maddox has never had any restrictions on food. Nothing has been stigmatized for him and he’s the best eater in the house. I encourage you to read this if you’re interested in our approach.
The Bath Fight- Some children have wild reactions to bath time. I used to believe having a bath every night or every other night was a crucial part of a normal bedtime routine. I have since learned that frequent bathing in children is not only unnecessary but leads to uncomfortable skin issues. We ask our kids every night, want to take a bath ? Sometimes they all do. Sometimes only one or two will. If we were active and got dirty they usually want to. While we are bathing them, the twins tell us if they want us to wash their hair. If they don’t want it washed, we don’t wash it. It’s easy. They’re all clean. They don’t smell better or worse than any other kid on the block and we don’t end any nights with a fight about bathing. If you’re not sold on skipping baths, check this out.
The Bedtime Fight- I’ll be blunt: we don’t have a bed time. We used to. And it was a nightmare. There were fights, kids constantly getting up and down and out of bed, and my husband and I were cranky and frustrated every night. So last year when my husband worked an odd shift that made him absent at bedtime for a while I did an experiment. I stopped bed time. I didn’t say anything to the kids about it. I just let them play and hang out past when we would normally start our routine. Eventually they told me that they were tired and wanted to go to bed. I got them their pajamas, tucked them in and said our good nights. They didn’t get up. They didn’t fight. They slept through the night. Easy. So easy. We still have times where they get up but it’s rare. Again, I trust my children to listen to their bodies. I trust that they know when they’re tired. Just because I’m tired at 8 doesn’t mean I need to force them into bed.
It’s my job to guide them into the people they’re meant to be. I believe part of that job means teaching them to know their bodies. To recognize what they need. I give my children control over as many details of their lives as possible. In the short time I’ve been doing this (2 years) I’ve seen how beneficial it is. Too many parents view these situations through a combative filter. Too many believe that giving a child control means “giving in” or “being walked on” and I don’t believe that anymore. I believe in my children and I believe giving them control when I can will only help them become who they want to be.
Tagged: parenting, peaceful parenting, tantrums, unschooling
